The love sausage

In which I go out to buy a love sausage; I do some Proper Adulting; Beth gives me a very proud parenting moment; we celebrate the little things; I tell the truth about just what I found when clearing out my loft; my children do Bad Art; I live in hope that I might have come back into fashion; we award the Dick Cat of the Week Award; I retell my worst ever rainy day moment; and I laugh possibly more than I've ever laughed on a podcast, ever.

Transcript

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Hello this is Kathryn I know I need to stop talking hello my lovelies. How are we doing? I've been to buy a love sausage. I just really really wanted to say that sentence. I mean, it's just brilliant, isn't it and Bravo m&s This podcast is not sponsored by MLS, nor m&s Is love sausage, but maybe maybe it should, maybe it should be. So we set out this afternoon, it's Sunday afternoon. It's a very rainy horrible afternoon. And I set out to Marks and Spencers to buy a love sausage, because I had mentioned to Jamie just because I like making I was gonna say might like making teenage boys laugh That sounds dodgy. I like making my own teenage boy laugh with talk of love sausages. This is getting worse, isn't it? I mean, gosh, how how much innuendo? Can you pack into 1/32 segment of a podcast? The answer is a lot clearly. So I'd mentioned to Jamie that such thing as I love sausage existed and then he laughed for about three hours and then went to be what is it which is a slightly disturbing way of looking at the world. And I explained to him that it was the brilliantly marketed m&s Valentine's offering and so he sent me out into the pouring rain because he just said I'd love a love sausage mom, and then we laughed again. And you see it just it keeps being funny. Well done m&s And particularly well done ominous because when I arrived in the m&s food hall near as and as I walked in the MLS marketing sector love sausages back and I just thought, yes, now that is a movie, I would want to watch, nevermind, Spider Man and the 12,000 Fucking universes and the people with all of those legs. This is a film that I would want to watch the love sausage is back. And it was although only just I claimed for myself the last love sausage on the shelf. And then what have you other bits and pieces because I didn't want to just be seen as the lady who goes into m&s and buys a love sausage. Again, there's the title of maybe my next novel, The lady goes into m&s to buy the love sausage. And so I bought like some other stuff like to be really cool and casual, it's like when you're like, sort of in your teens, and you're gonna buy a pregnancy test or some condoms and you're like, I'm just gonna buy this like whole sliced loaf and and a litre of vegetable oil. Because why wouldn't you buy these things with, you know, just my casual pregnancy test or a packet of condoms thrown in there. So I bought some like wholesome fruit salad and some you know, chicken and a bottle of Coke Zero so I wouldn't just look like the lady with the love sausage and then I went to the checkout thinking self checkout as well. No one will question me on my love sausage, and I also picked up a nice good jumper for Beth and of course of course then I become the lady with the love sausage who's shopping doesn't scan that's really difficult to say quickly and so then there's this like embarrassed looking teenage boy coming over tonight. And you know when you think I must have mentioned something, so all you can do is mention that thing so he like came over to me. And I was like I'm really sorry, it can't scan but it's not my love sausage, and I just kept scraping the phrase Love sausage repeatedly at the checkout while he liked back to a free and if he said to me, please go to clothing. Now whether that was because I needed to go and scan the school uniform that or whether it was because he just wanted me to leave his area the shop either would be fair and valid. Anyway, I went over to clothing and managed to only mention my last sausage once in clothing, which I feel feel is an improvement but then I brought it home and Jamie was delighted with his last sausage and plans to bring that out tomorrow night when his girlfriend comes. That's going to be disturbing. I mean honestly, the innuendo it's just glorious. Bravo m&s for cheering up a very crazy rainy Sunday afternoon with your love sausage this is just getting worse I'm gonna stop saying the phrase Love sausage I mean it's fucking genius. Just the clarity we use it but he doesn't know what's gonna go on completely just in case here's why I can't do proper podcast because I just say are in love about love so it's just in case anybody doesn't know what a loves Oh, I'm sobbing I've got tears screaming definitely face here. The love sausage is a sausage shaped into a heart with bacon wrapped around it's he says why? I love sausage you filthy Get your mind out the gutter I'm literally sobbing tears of laughter right let me pull myself together and away from the love sausage. Ironic that I can't stop the saying the face loves

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God stop saying the phrase Love sausage. Because I was going to say what a brilliant adult I've been. I've done so much adulting so much adulting so much. I don't think so. I got up earlier than I was expecting this month because we didn't think Beth was playing for her boys team this morning and then we got the call up Lake somebody was ill could Beth come. I thought Beth would be really happy and excited to be you know, taken out foot foot to play football this morning. But she looked at me livid Lee when I told her she was going to have to play and said why and as I was football to sweet sweet you do Never Never mind you Why me? Here's me. Haven't had a late night last night smugly going to my friends. Oh, it's fine. I don't have to get up early tomorrow because Beth hasn't got a game hahaha pride comes before four. Bs went football stood pitchside watching football cleared out my loft. As as I've alluded to in previous podcasts, all of conversion Touchwood is hopefully coming which is absolutely brilliant in theory and a fucking nightmare and in reality when you realise that in order to get your outcome Let it all the shit that was in your loft has to go somewhere. So I've spent a disproportionate number of my waking hours in the loft this week going through some other fucking random shit. I've kept more on that shortly more on that shortly. But yeah cleared out pick up the loft Christina went to the dump because is there anything that more cements you? I don't say just I reckon there should be some kind of adulting rite of passage that on your 18th birthday, you are given kind of like it's like a like a test that you would do like, you know, are you ready to adult take yourself to the dump and take materials to the drum and obviously when you get to the dump you have to sing the going to the dump song to the dump to the dump dump dump dump just the words to the dump repeated to the William Tell Overture it's you know, kind of maybe not going to be one of the great classics of Spanish but yes, go into the dump so you can't go to the dump. I'm not saying we're going to the dump so it's like the law basically. So you went went to the dump son that the to the dump song, got rid of all my stuff, put it into the right things. I've been to the front so many times this week, the guys working at the dump now know me by like first name, which suggests I spent rather too much time at the dump. And then I went to Pamela sausage. So you know, it's been a it's been a successful a successful Sunday. All round really successful Sunday will run successful week around actually because earlier in the week on the subject of football, Beth and this are this is just a heartwarming story. Why obviously it's me like waxing lyrical about, I'm so proud of my kids, and every parent gets that I hope. And I hope that you're not too bored by me waxing lyrical about being so proud of my kids. But this was just like a little heartwarming story because it was so lovely for a whole number of them. So effectively what happened was, there was a girls football tournament this week in our local area, and obviously for the last two years, because COVID has just fucked fucking everything, stuff like this hasn't happened. And so the kids have another chance to do basically all the fun stuff that comes with the whole educational experience. It basically, you know, for the last two years, it's just been SAT practice fronted adverbials, and none of the fun. But this year, you know, Touchwood, things have been able to get a little bit more back to normal. And so, Beth, and a number of girls in year five and six at best school selected to make up the team and go to the football tournament. And the really, really lovely thing is that apart from Beth, none of these girls have ever played football. So this is such an amazing kind of opportunity for them all to go and just give it a go. Right. And that is is what it's all about. And I went to the end of June sort of to turn up the very end of the tournament to watch the last couple of games. And it was just brilliant. Because you know, or any of these girls gonna win the World Cup? Probably not. Well, they all have an absolute blast. Absolutely 100% They weren't, you know, yes, some of them were very confused about the difference between a throw in at a corner and not surprising. Most sports have some stupid rules. And I think some of the rules these girls made up were a damn sight better than the original footballing rules. But it was so, so lovely, and so lovely for Beth as well because, you know, football is what she genuinely really loves. And I think there's something really nice for her because her school world and her footballing worlds don't tend to cross paths if something so nice for them all to align. But the goals were amazing, they were genuinely wise, there was so much energy, there was so much effort and against all the odds, let's say bear in mind that all of these girls by Beth had never, never kicked a football before they came second in the league, they came in second place, which, you know, all of the Gosling's delighted about, apart from Beth who livid because I think she'd like, you know, tried to score to win it for them and hit the crossbar. So she was quite livid about that. And I was like, This is amazing. And then what was even more lovely, super proud parent moment was then in Assembly on Friday, she was kind of given a merit for being sort of, I think it's something along the lines of like inspiring the rest of the team and being you know, like a great sports person and stuff. And you're like, that's so nice. That's so heartwarmingly. Lovely, nice. And it's just, is it just those little moments? It's just those little things, which for the past two years,

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all that all that little stuff, that's that's kind of that's kind of gone. And, you know, yes, the big stuff in life is really, really important. But it's the little things that make a life, isn't it that that really is true. It's the little things and for so long, in the last few years, those little things have been a bit bit lost all of us. So I am definitely in a Pollyanna moment that I really, really hope lasts where every little thing I said this to start, no need to stop talking says we came back from the dump. I said, Look, we've been to the dump, and now we're coming home again. And he looked at me like I was a match lady. And I said, Isn't this wonderful? And it was and it was wonderful. We had some friends around last night, we just arranged it as a spur of the moment thing and they came round and we sat in my lounge, and it's ate some crisps and drank some wine and chatted and then they went home again and then I went to the dump again today, and I bought a love sausage and all of these things are lovely and just wouldn't have been possible in the pandemic and I'm so very very, very grateful. Don't actually maybe you could get love sausages in the pandemic maybe that's what my lockdown pandemic experience was missing was the love sort of search I need to stop mentioning love sausages because I've just about got it back together again, not to sit here actually pacing myself and as anybody who has had children will know. laughing too much is a dangerous sport, when far away from a toilet that makes me sound like I'm recording this in some kind of large mansion with like miles across. goes to the toilet. I'm not that far away from the toilet but still one's pelvic floor should never be trusted post childbirth anyway. Where were we? How are we got to have we gone from a love sausage to my pelvic floor? Goodness me this is the podcast that keeps on giving. So yeah, very proud of that this week she she has smashed it she smashed it random shit in my loft. Oh goodness me, there's a random load of stuff. Now I am a firm believer that in this life we are divided into two camps and they are the means and the mister I know I need to stop talking as effectively. Now if you are if you are Australia and you stop talking equivalent, you will be very organised, you will have lots of water you will like lots of audit in your life and you will be very very good at streamlining your possessions and ensuring that you don't keep stuff that has no longer of any use to my snowman. You are very organised and super good and in fact Mr. No need to stop talking had our loft organised to such a degree. This is a true story. That one day I had an electrician round coming to do some work and he said I just need to go up into the loft so that I'm the loft actually went up there. And he came back and he said Can I just say your loft is an inspiration. And that is all thanks to Australia I need to stop talking and no thanks whatsoever to me because if you are a me type, we're hoarders oh my goodness me we are hoarders My house is very very clean in no small part thanks to my amazing cleaners but my house is very clean. But if it was left me I would be you know there's people that you sometimes see documentaries on where they're like in houses and there are boxes of stuff up to the ceiling and they can't get out the front door. That would be me. I hate throwing stuff out I will get here we go here's a real life example of sitting at my desk right now. And in front of me is a what anybody else would look at and go that's that's an empty lip gloss Kathryn it's finished. It's a L'Oreal lip gloss it's finished. I know that this lip gloss is finished. But I can't quite bear to throw out this lip gloss and I'll tell you why. Even though I have two other lip glosses of exactly the same colour and brand if there would come a day when I could not find either of those two lip glosses and I needed despite the fact I have about 30 Other lip glosses but I needed to wear this exact shade and brand of lip gloss. If this lip gloss even though it's nearly finished was here, to my mind that would be better than having no lip glosses at all. I need some kind of help. I am not all there. I don't know how to help myself really to be honest. So yes, I am a hoarder and my collection of collectibles in the loft crimsix canal. I've kept everything I really have. And some stuff. There's like a logic to it. Like I found my kids for shoes are there you keep these things and you think oh, you know, my kids will love to see this when they're older and better to them. And that's why we kept those and maybe that's a fair point. But yeah, lots of lots of old clothes for the kids. Lots of artwork that they've created, which surprised me actually, it

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surprised me how much shitty artwork I have managed to keep off kids because some of you who have been with Rob for a long time or know when my children were little and they were both in full time nursery and nursery is amazing in nursery workers you are absolute fucking gems and I'm so so grateful to every single person who looked after my kids, but my goodness me you do encourage them to produce a lot of crap and the artwork my kids bought back from nursery was crap my personal favourite we should definitely definitely didn't keep was Beth came home one day as I've made this for you, Mommy, I love you. And I was like thinking some of the day like nice cards and stuff and she's starting to form her letters, but maybe she'll have like a card and it might have a month on it for mommy. Now what Beth had done is she'd gone into the arts and crafts supplies of nursery and she found a parka pie box with a yellow reduced price label on it. And she covered it in glitter. And that is the I think perfect imagery of the phrase. You can't polish a turd but you can roll it in glitter and that's basically what Beth had done. She had given me a turtle in glitter. But haha, one of my greatest piece of hair I say it's a great piece of parenting my kids in future years my go. This was the moment that made us realise that we needed to see a therapist was my kids used to come home with an art. Look mommy That was lovely Dahlia who was amazing. Why don't we put it into the art gallery nudge nudge wink wink and the kids okay, yes, yes, it's put it into the art gallery, put it into the art gallery, and then go and they would take their beautiful terrible piece of artwork, and they would put it into the art gallery, which was actually our recycling bin and they never questioned it and all of the terrible artwork was taken away in the recycling bin I mean the art gallery and to this day it remains one of my most inspirational moments of parenting ever. So I was quite surprised to find so much the kids crappy artwork still up there. So we got rid of we are in a quite a quite a lot of that. I've kept a lot of stuff that to me is meaningful and I like to look at it and go oh my goodness yeah guy remember that? Because that relates to this. And I think either I'm going to need to provide some kind of like annotated guide to all the crap of kept or one day my kids and my grandkids will be going through this and going and Granny kept a 99 P sticker off the bottom of a shoe because because she was a hoarder children because she was and will always be a hoarder so yeah and it's sort of out got a lot of clothes so I've kept thinking one of two things a I might fit back into them not gonna happen be these might come back into fashion also not going to happen most probably because they were never actually in fashion in first place although my great moment from last weekend was when I found a pair of jeans oh I love these jeans I might put them on Instagram they are a thing of beauty. And I remember saving up for them at the time they were 34 pounds I can still remember how much was you know was a lot when I was 16 is a lot of money 30 pounds weight saved up. They are flared seat flares coming back in it's like I was pre empting the future they are flared and they are made of patchwork denim and I absolutely fucking love them anyway I have kept them I've fitted in and out of them over the years but currently going through a phase of fitting into them so I've put them on just because you know I like to embarrass my children says out of the loft and said to the kids do you know what do you think are these dutifully both my children look mortified but Jamie's girlfriends are like more and more by the day when I'm a god yeah, they're so nice. They're really in fashion right now. Now she might have been lying to me but I don't care I don't care I've got validation that was all I need it so I'm determined to wear them somewhere where I can cause my children maximum embarrassment I don't know yet what that will be but there's bound to be a time and a place so Yeah, watch watch this space. But probably the weirdest thing I found in the last and I don't know whether to confess to this because I was gonna say you might find to be too weird but then you just had me laugh too. I

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wept at the phrase Love sausage mass stop thinking Well, honestly, it's paining me to keep myself pulled together after I finished recording this I'm just gonna go and sit in the corner and rock and laugh at myself for about half an hour. But yet probably the weirdest thing that I've kept up in the loft is my old positive pregnancy tests is that weird? I think it was and then Mr. I need to stop talking to me so basically you're keeping a stick covered with old we on it in a box I said well not just one stick there's lots of them. And he just I think closed down the conversation at that point which you know is is fair so yeah old pregnancy tests weird keep not weird to keep I maintain you know, historical artefact, but then I do think that effectively they are just old, soggy sticks of dry we Yeah, yeah, those aren't the kind of things you'd want to be digging up in an archaeological dig or indeed finding I mean, God if I like go through one of my grandparents lofts and I find old sticks to their way and yeah, maybe I need to rethink the pregnancy tests. Maybe they could get into the art gallery. No, because they are not recyclable for anybody tells me off. I would not put old pregnancy tests into the recycling thing because thanks to my new friends at the dump, and I do feel like the friends because I've been there so much. I know exactly what needs to go into into each household recycling container. It's been educational, very educational. This week's Dick cat of the week and goodness me competition is fierce every single week is indisputably Brexit so again newer listeners I have three cats sandwich ASAP a Brexit because we love a comedy name, and is indisputably Brexit. I mean actually, she's she's had a couple of moments this week. Yes, they were better football coaches had to come around the house to pick something pick something up and hasn't encountered our cats before so I think was slightly startled at me suddenly moving past him Dang, so sorry, excuse me back that back there. She was trying to run in front of moving cars and I sound like some insane Europhile but then she decided that she would go and just sit underneath his car and he's like oh don't worry about it she'll move when the engine starts I was like no, no, no, she won't and treat form he started his engine she did move she moved to better sit right in front of the car. And I knew she would do this because one day I turned my car engine on and instead of running away afraid she wouldn't snuggled in right next to the wheel arch what what a dick but no her actually a dead cat Of The Week award comes not because of that. Although you know, it was a it was a good contender. And not because you know, she came into the bathroom in the middle of the night when I was having a we as I've pointed out in previous week, she has a fetish for people wearing and started licking my bare legs which is a startling sensation to be had when you're having a way I can tell you now. But I had decap the weak moment was when I was on a work call in here and I finished I came out into the into the hallway and it's like one of those. What's wrong with this scene moments where you go something is very badly wrong here. What is badly wrong and what was badly wrong? Was that up my hallway walls were splatters of blood. Which is just what everybody wants to find in the hallway as they come off or work for. And if that wasn't enough, then they're in the middle of the hallway like a special gift was a slightly furry spleen. Now spins aren't typically furry, which really leads me to believe that when she mutilated this mouse in methods most horrid given how far up the walls the blood spatters splatters which I'm sorry we've seen your dinner. Well No, probably not. Because I feel like the last sausage talk would have put anybody off their dinner. Yeah, then she'd obviously decided to kind of like leave a bit of furry nibbled mouse head on top of their spleen which is the Valentine's gift absolutely no fucker wants ever so Yeah, that was that was nicely yeah Dick cat of the week is Brexit bravo bravo Brexit. What a dick. Good job. We love her. It's very wet snap. It's very wet, very rainy out there and it did make me think and I know I've told the story in here before but I was then smiling to myself as I was driving back from the dump with my love sausage stop saying the phrase Love sausage. As I was driving back from the dump because it made me remember my worst ever rainy, rainy day appearance. So apologies to those who have heard it before but this was years and years ago when the kids were Beth was in Year art school. So yeah, long time ago, and we drove to school morning and absolutely chucking it down and all of the proper parents stood out at the school gates with their children neatly kitted up in galoshes. What is the galosh? I don't even know what galoshes that's how shit apparently, I don't even know what a galoshes. Is it wellies, or is it something else? Well, anyway, their kids had wellies and galoshes, probably. I don't know what one is. Now. It sounds like some kind of like 1970s desert. I've brought you out a marzipan galosh where were we anyway, and raincoats anyway, they were dry, their children were dry and they were dry because they had sensible wet weather clothing.

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I think some of the children even had all waterproof trousers. My children have never had a pair of waterproof trousers in their life. So there are standing out there dry and snug and secure from the howling elements. Meanwhile, me and my children are sat in the car, the kids had coats. That was good. No worries, definitely no galoshes. I was wearing skinny jeans and stilettos and no code whatsoever, and ice popped up outside Scotland to the weather and went off fuck, we're gonna get soaked. And so it was one of those rainstorms where like the rain is coming down so heavily you think surely is gonna stop. So I said to the kids that our kids will sit in the car. Five minutes, they'll this will pass. Five minutes past 10 minutes past there was no sign of the rainstorm passing so eventually, I have to admit defeat. And with all the sense of the cloud parents and their children in the woman dry me and my two children left car and kind of sprinted into the playground towards their classrooms. And the rain was falling so hard that it was actually splashing back up into our faces. Now Jamie was at the age where he thought this was great fun, which was good because Beth was screaming What if Beth was screaming you're trying to drown me or trying to drown me which is ideal for one going into onto the school run in the morning. So I kind of deposited Beth very quickly at her teacher and then deposited Jamie in his classroom and then raced back to my car but then I had to drive on and go to work. I remember getting back into the car thinking I am very left. And so I put down my I put down a mirror so that I could see quite what was going on with my face and what was going on with my face was bad. It's very bad. So longtime readers and listeners will know that I like to wear a lot of makeup specifically I like to wear a lot of eye makeup. And my eye makeup was everywhere. But my heart is really in fact it was the very inverse of eye makeup. It was not an eye makeup. It was cheek makeup. It was chin makeup. It was fucking neck makeup. I had black eyeliner running down to my neck. Now again, if I was a sensible parents, I would absolutely have galoshes, whatever they are. But I also mentioned I would have some hard tissues in the car, something for clearing up the state of my face. I had to go straight to the office. I didn't have time to go home. I had a meeting I had to be in. I had no tissues. I had no galoshes, I had nothing of any use whatsoever. And I thought Fuck look at Stadium I can't go into work like this. I look like I've been in a punch up. And then as I was sat there thinking, What shall I do inspiration door. And that is how I ended up sat outside my children's school using unwrapped, unused tampons to clean up the black eyeliner from my face takes about I thank you. And that story actually would never have seen the light of the day was it were not for the fact that I'm a chronic oversharer. So then proceeded to go into my office and I hadn't worked there for very long at the time, and tell everybody, including my boss. I've just sat outside my children's school and used tampons. I was very specific that they were unused tampons because I think you do. One doesn't need to clarify these things. One must have standards. Don't use tampons to remove makeup from my face. And I still have people that I work with now who looked at me with I want to say a grudging kind of respect for that story, but I think it's probably more disgust, they would have had galoshes, everybody would have had galoshes for fucksakes. So yeah, that's been my week. Really? It's been as delightfully bonkers as ever. I do feel like proper adult, they go to the dump. I put some salt in my dishwasher. I mean, if that isn't proper adulting I mean, really, what is what is, but yeah, I hope you're doing okay, I hope you're keeping safe and dry and wearing your galoshes, whatever they are not having to use tampons to wrap white makeup from your face and in fact on the subject of makeup. Maybe we should all listen to Beth who came downstairs last night as I was getting ready for for seeing our friends and I was reading my makeup to ensure Emily to you know to wear makeup. You're beautiful just as you are. And there's a split second before realising that she probably wanted something when I thought that is profound indeed. profound indeed. Anyway my love's I hope you have good weeks I hope if you're looking for one that you'd get a love sausage tomorrow god please start with sausage day and I'm now going to go and literally rock and cry in a corner and laugh at the thought of law sausages and you know a big thank you to Marks and Spencers who on a truly rainy soggy horrible Sunday have made me fucking how with laughter love sausages. The gift that keeps on giving Oh God more you endo stop already. I hope you have a lovely weeks. I hope you're looking after sales. Stay safe. Take care. I will see you next week. Lots of love. Bye bye