"I loved seeing that dead fox"

In which it is very windy; my love sausage comes out a treat; I discover something even more disturbing than a love sausage; Jamie reviews his sister's football prowess; there is a disappointing lack of sharknados; we have an unwelcome return to home learning; I have a deep-seated distrust of planes; and my children are rather too enamoured by a very dead fox.

Transcript

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Hello, this is Kathryn. So now I need to stop talking Hello lovelies, how are we doing and we all want peace post storm is it Eunice Yunus that is that's a name and a half isn't it? That is a that that name does not summon up storms but but here we are. But yeah, I hope everybody's all right. Yes been very, very windy. Very, very blue. Most importantly though, before we get onto the topic of the storm, I am pleased to announce that my love sausage was delicious and I really hope that you all listened to last week's podcast. Otherwise, that's going to sound absolutely mental but my love sausage Oh, what an absolute treat. My love sausage came up perfectly. overcooked it because nobody wants an underdone love sausage, filled it with a couple of eggs. Turned it out on the side and it looks like the most phallic meal known to man. It was it was an absolute treat. And then because it was Valentine's Day, so I cooked and served on Valentine's Day for Jamie and his girlfriend. I know I'm very romantic me. Although that did mean that little luck on my podcast last week, when I kept screaming the phrase Love sausage on repeat now I'm going to I'm going to be much more professional so I'm actually not going to lose it at the phrase Love sausage. When JB his girlfriend's mom, they came to pick up Jamie's girlfriend. She opened she rang the doorbell and I answered the door. And she said hi, have they been? And I said absolutely fine. I just would really like you to know that when your daughter says that she's come to Jamie's house and she's had some love sausage, I want you to know that that is a literal love sausage, not a metaphorical love sausage. It was a love sausage that came from Marks and Spencers. It's not just any love sausage. It's an Mrs. Love sausage, and she looked at me like I'd got mad because I was literally standing on my doorstep screaming the phrase sausage over and over again my poor neighbours. What must they think? Well, no, it was delicious. It really lived up to expectations. So all I can say is if you too are thinking at some point in indulging in a love sausage. I cannot recommend it highly enough. In fact, Jamie and I even had cold love sausage good that's a nice really attractive snorting sound is that that is exactly how all the professional podcast is that we did we had cold love sauce. Love sausage next day. And it was a cheat. And I was super again, recorded podcast mentioned the phrase Love sausage, because I clearly can't keep my shit together. But yeah, it was lovely. It was absolutely delicious. And thank you so much for your lovely response to last week's podcast in which I did completely spot and just laughed till I wept. And I love the tail of people who are out running, listening to it and also laughing and I like the idea that we're just spreading a little bit of laughter across the world and our mad little corner of the universe. But yeah, that the love sausage was the was the gift that gets on giving random aside, but segwaying neatly from that sausages. I don't know if everybody saw last night's gogglebox it's compulsive family viewing in our household. And I don't watch a lot of television cuz my attention span is non existent. But it showed a little clip from the polar Anderson and Tommy Lee documentary that's beyond documentaries or documentaries. There's actors clearly it's not documentary, but a like reconstruction. I you'd never think I was once an actor watching with my inability to grasp the most basic of theatrical terms. Anyway, wherever it was, it was a TV programme about those two. Spoiler alert for anybody who hasn't seen it, although I don't think it's too much of a spoiler, but this was what gogglebox has shared last night. Obviously, we all kind of vaguely know the story of Pamela Anderson. And he told me, I did not and I'm assuming that this has been created for for, like dramatic licence. But maybe this is reality. I did not know until I watched the clip from gogglebox last night that that the central tenet of the show is based around the fact that his penis talks to him and if you think I'm making this up, please please please go go right now stop listening to the podcast go and Google a clip. It is the most fucking batshit thing I have ever seen. We sat watched it as a family last night and laughed and then we're like stunned into silence and in fact this morning when we all got into the car to good football. I was okay so we have not talked enough about the fact that in that TV show his penis actually took like the backing out yeah, if anybody knows a thing about love sausages clearly it's it's cast and crew of the hammer on top Tommy escapades I'm in Fucking hell. Anyway, Goodness me. This is all a lot of phalluses for for this time on a on a Saturday in which I am well ahead of my Accardo drop off. So there is no me no Mexican standoff needed. I shall record this Accardo should come later. It should all work. I could dream and now I still haven't folded my Accardo carry bags.

4:30  
Thank you for asking again your listeners in the height of lockdown when I was having my regular trying to record this at the same time as my car delivery was coming from a deck and like it was locked out. So like I didn't have enough fucking hours in the day. But no, I tried to go inside the two activities that I had. And I'd read on the internet at the time that somebody told me that I should be folding my Accardo bags ready to hand back into the shape of samosa and I thought even in lockdown who has that much time on their hands and to be fair, if you're listening to this, I knew Fold your Accardo bags or other supermarkets are available bags into shapes as much as you can and you enjoy it then all party you and ignore me completely but yeah, my carry bags are still very much not folded into samosa or indeed into the shape of a love sausage I'm going to stop going to stop I'm going to keep it together and be very mature but no thank you for your lovely responses because I'm so so so pleased that we were able to get a transcript working as well even if when I read it back to make sure there were no like glaring errors it did just scream out the phrase Love sausage on repeat and in fact the the programme that I was using to create the transcript also sorts like the most popular words and phrases at the top and number one was love sausage. That's me on the love sausage podcast what a moniker to be known by so yeah, there was a storm there was a storm yesterday wasn't there? It was very stormy indeed. We'll come back to the store we started our day our storm free Dale though it's got mentum out there again has no we we had a family trip to football which is quite unusual. I mean, obviously it's not unusual for us to be at football because that is my life to spend on football. But we dragged a somewhat recalcitrant Jamie out of his bed today. Isn't that a lovely word with recalcitrant Am I even managed to pronounce it correctly? Yeah, he was very recalcitrant this morning but I managed to lure him out of his teenage bed with talk not of love sausages you will be pleased to know. But on the theme of Greg's sausage roll, or maybe Greg's will the sausage roll love sausage love sausage like some love child of a love sausage in a sausage roll there's a lot of love and a lot of sausage in a love sausage sausage roll going to stop saying the word sausage as well anyway moving on. So yeah load Jamie out of bed with with promises of Greg sausage rolls. And we set off to watch Beth's girls play the team that they had drawn with most of the game and then beaten in like the final 30 seconds in the cup semi final they're very good team so we knew was gonna be a tough match. And it was it was it was very you know, both ends and both both teams were really going for it. And Jamie is really not a football fan. I mean, he's an avid West Ham supporter so yeah thought that's let's all do the bad joke of he's really not a football fan. But he's an avid West Ham supporter but he's got no real interest in watching his sister play which is fair enough you know she's got no real interest in sitting standing watching him sitting in front of his computer and his parents playing computer games so you know I suppose it all evens out but we dragged him along and he sat there wrapped up in blankets completely he was cold literally Jamie at football is absolutely the equivalent of the Are we nearly there yet game he's like literally every every minute isn't nearly over. Is it nearly finish Oh, he finished his ending. You look at his watch is that right should be finished now. I'm not It's not how much his work Jeremy has got to stand there. I've had it had enough. Anyway, today unusually for Jamie, there was a brief moment where he actually not only concentrated on the action, but his face lit up in sheer delight. And Beth was on a mission this morning. I don't quite know why it ended one one ago. It was a very scrappy Emma Beth was on a mission. And so she decided to take it upon herself to go and take the ball all the way up the wing along the line. And she had not one not two, not three, not four defenders midfielders come in and attempt to tackle her she did. And she just kept running. It was like that scene, you know? And is it one of the Indiana film Indiana Jones films as we all know not good with films I reference you back to Spider Man, as I said that a little spider has crawled up my laptop screen while I'm recording this obviously has heard of my epic retelling of the plot of Spider Man which bears no resemblance to any other Spider Man lots of movies ever. Hello little spider where were we anyway she's right wing and it was a little bit like that scene in Indiana Jones where he's running down a tunnel in this and like big boulders coming behind it that was the vibe that Beth was going for. And these were like coming in to try and tackle the ball I bet not only you know kind of got the ball was and I'm not gonna pretend this was with skill I think it was with sheer brute force because as she did so she passed each player 1234 She only got the ball past that she also knocked him to the ground in her wake so you literally have this stream of destruction behind bed as she ran with the ball through through towards towards towards the goal turned around look at Jamie is absolutely creased up laughing I was like oh I can see clearly see that the part of the game that you enjoy when we got to the end of the game and we were all four of us walking back to the car and I said to Jamie CD Do you think your sister did well then he went No.

9:20  
Oh okay, good. Good. Excellent, good positive feedback very constructive. And he turns he looked at her and he said but it was dead good when you got really aggressive with them so good. Excellent. I can I can see a lot of red cards in best future if if Jamie's gonna take up take up football coaching. My head was a store wasn't there. Let's talk about the store. Let's talk about units. Okay, now it's very windy wasn't it? My sister texted me and said how's the wind down where you are and I and I hilariously as I thought to myself not hilarious at all reply to when it's windy. No, clearly not very funny at all. But yeah, the storm it was absolutely mental. My kids were a bit disappointed by the storm. I have to be honest. Jamie kept coming down and go when's the storm starting and I'm like literally Looking at like, you know, wheelie bins flying around our street and I'm like I think this is it man in his eye Oh, and as we got in the car this morning he said is that it? Was it for the storm? I said yes my you know go and have a look at some of the scenes of destruction from around the country you know the roof been ripped off the two trees been felled. There's a beautiful Oh, very sad I'm not really good when trees like fall over fall over the wrong word. Well, when they're not being a tree anymore and they're lying down as a tree. Good excellent words are coming really easily to me today. As you can see, I'm not very good when when they get knocked over by storms because they just need one. There's this beautiful must be hundreds of years old the tree that's in the middle of the town that we live there. And it was just fallen lying down on the ground. It's very sad. I don't like that at all. But yeah, I said so. So I said to Gemma said the thing is quite a lot of disruption means quite a lot a lot going on. And he he sort of looked at me slightly and sadly and sort of rolled his eyes and he just said, I just just don't want I just thought it might be a bit more like sharp Nedo and I said sorry what he said he I thought were more like Chuck pain. And I said can I just check he thought they were gonna be sharks flying out of the sky. He said, Well, maybe not the shark. But for anyone who hasn't seen shark Nedo there are a few films that I enjoy. But shark Knight is absolutely up there. I first watched shark made out years ago it was the that weird period in between Christmas and New Year when he knows what day of the week it is. And my stepdaughter and I were staying up late. I think strona need to stop talking and Jobeth gone to bed. We're staying up by flicking through the channels. And I found a film called shock Nedo and you know, I'm a big fan of the film drawer. So I was like, Come on, give this go and she was like, alright, it's her watch. And I was like it's gonna be dreadful and Sharknado if you haven't seen it is dreadful. It's utterly dreadful, but it's so wonderfully fantastically dreadful. I cannot recommend it enough. We wept with laughter absolutely wept. laughter and the central premise. I mean, no spoilers, but the central premise is the idea that a tornado has come to hit. This is close to America, but it's not just any tornado flying out of the tornado. It's what's worse than a tornado. It's a Sharknado. And there's just sharks flying out the tornado everywhere. And that apparently was what Jamie had sincerely hoped was going down yesterday. Yeah, I feel he was disappointed. I was I was quite enough of a storm, right? We had one of the lids of one of our recycling bins flew off and I was on a workhorse at the times. Except this time I know and it stopped talking. What supportive wife can you go outside into that terrible, terrifying storm and deal with the Finland's he went out to deal with it. And unfortunately for him because it was so windy The door slammed behind him so I've sat on this call with my colleagues. I suddenly look out and sort of start talking his face press to the window like I would like to be inside now. So we rescued him I mean, the cats looked at us like what what is that? what fresh hell is this? What the fuck is this? But I tell you what, obviously why didn't where in the country y'all are but certainly for us. The schools were closed for day How the fuck to we will deal with the school was being closed for months on end was my first thought when by I think it was by about 720 in the morning, yesterday morning. I was being harassed by Beth requiring me to Google if silicone bakeware would blow up if it was placed in the microwave and you know in your life I am I'm not I'm not equipped for teachers ta school stuff. How do you do it? How do you do it?

13:20  
And I know you might answer terrible it's your job but I mean, there is no amount of money sufficient for paying the wages you should be receiving for having to deal with questions like that every single fucking moment of every fucking day. I mean, I don't know how we did it. I genuinely don't know how we did it. And of course this is tongue in cheek just before anybody tells me offer for any of this I fully recognise it was very necessary. I fully also recognise it the schools weren't shut because I phrase that badly the schools were absolutely open sorry that is completely mindless wording but for those of us whose children were key workers and didn't need to be in quite rightly we kept them at home and it's that that that hell that I'm referring to? I'm good at lots of things but I am a fucking dreadful teacher I am so so bad so bad yeah, I just sort of bit of a blur Timehop brings it back doesn't it you go into Timehop but and I've liked this picture of like what like the looks like the entire of my ground floor of my house under siege in the fuck is that? And then I remembered that was when Beth decided to make a model of the solar system for all of her home learning tasks which was practically to scale and filled Yeah, pretty much the entire of my tour of my ground floor Oh, hashtag making memories there. Yeah, there's there's joyous days but I hope you weren't too impacted by storm related detritus and I hope that you know you've got power and and hot water and God does make you realise doesn't it in the grand scheme of things we are very fucking small and then we were saying this morning then yet you get up the next day and it's like storms have raged and caused all this fucking destruction. They get the next day, the sun shining. It's kind of like it's like nothing ever happened. And I said to Mr. No need to stop talking. This is what will happen one day this is what will happen is that we all ended up dying in some terrible planet related tragedy that we will have brought on ourselves no doubt. Why are our pollution and lack of care that we take over the planet and then the next day, the world will get itself up and the weather will shine and it will all be beautiful and we will all be dead. Is that That's cheerful? Yes. Good morning. Happy Saturday, happy Saturday. We got busy week this week. So for us, it's half term this week that we're getting into just now. So we are taking the kids on a trip or we are going away for a couple of nights. I don't know really why we bother doing this to be honest every night every now and then I will be wracked by guilt and be like, right we need to do something with the children we need to get her triplets you know, whether we do a holiday or we go away for a couple nights we just go decently and every fucking time my kids bring me so far back down to earth. And my my I've got ticket example that one time we took the kids to we had the most amazing few days, we went to London, we went to museums, we went to theatres, we went to restaurants, we saw friends, it was like you know, it was the most amazing he days and it cost a lot of money. But I remember thinking this is amazing, because these are memories that they will remember for the rest of their lives. And then we got the train back home and on the train and go back home. I was like wow, well, what an amazing few days was your best bet and they thought for like a nanosecond those wait for them tell me Oh, it's so amazing exhibition or that fantastic food we had or we weren't so that show and it was so amazing. And instead pretty much in unison they turned around me and they said it was when we were sat on the top deck of the bus and we saw that dead Fox in the road. Good marvellous could have taken you and shown you roadkill literally down the road. But now I've taken you on this three day extravaganza which has cost me a fortune and you're telling me that the best bit the fucking best bit was the dead fucking Fox in the road. Good. Excellent, marvellous, wonderful. And another time Jamie was much younger and we'd gone to I think we got to meet my dad. Somewhere we would go on like how to day out and again, attractions and restaurants and all kinds of lovely things like that. And they were driving home at the end of the day. And Jamie was quite little at the time. And we got we got home and got into his pyjamas and bath and stuff. And I'm not talking about I said did you have a lovely day? And he said yes. I said what was your best bet and he thought about for quite a long time to ask because I've treated him to so many amazing experiences. And he said when we were in the car on the way home and I was allowed to play Angry Birds on daddy's phone,

17:22  
I don't know why we fucking bother. I do not know why don't we fucking bother? I mean for fucksakes So pretty much guarantee that we're going to go away and going to have you know all these amazing experiences and then they'll come back and they'll tell me that the best bit of the trip was the way the toilet flushed itself that that no my luck's that that will be it when I saw a piece of string in the air when I was walking on the street. Good. Excellent, marvellous parking how so? So yeah, we're off to do that. And I've got I'm actually travelling, I've got to travel for work this week, I'm going on a plane. I am not very good on planes. I'm not very good on planes for a number of reasons. And primary reason number one is I have a deep seated mistrust of planes, which in my head, I've convinced myself over the years would be better if I was the one flying the plane. And now I can pretty much say with absolute certainty that the only thing would that would not be better about being in a plane would be if I was flying it. But that that, you know, that doesn't seek to convince me otherwise. I also don't have a good track record. I mean, just generally I'm quite inept when it comes to planes, those BP BP machines that you get through as you go through security I fail those every single time every single time I fail those without fail. And it won't just be like I Will not I will just fail like the the initial Beep beep beep and then they come and do like the scummy thing and pat you down. I'll be the one getting escorted into a cubicle so they can like easily prove me or whatever it is they do in that I don't know what it is. I feel like I've got shrapnel somewhere in my body. And I don't know when or how but yeah, I am very bad with planes. My most infamous very bad was painting I had this is years ago. I had to go on a work trip. I forget what I had to go to Helsinki Helsinki is a beautiful, beautiful city, I would massively recommend it. I would categorically not recommend travelling with me because I was a nightmare. I mean, the whole trip, it just went from bad to worse. So I was late, massively late, getting to the airport massively like getting to the airport. So I missed my flight, which was like, you know, I was quite new into my job at the time as she missed my flight. We're going to do so I begged and pleaded with the lady on the desk to get me on to the next flight, which usually would not have been a problem. But it turned out for some reason, like the cultural event of the year was going down in Helsinki. And I was like, Oh God, like, felt like that 50 of us sat in a room waiting to see who had been put on standby for the next flight when my pleading must have worked and I feel very guilty about it because it was after all, only a work trip not a life or death situation. But two passengers names were called out and it was it was me and another chap. So we went to got on the plane and I was exhausted I'm getting to playing golf knackered but it's okay I'm on my way to Helsinki, what else can go wrong? Lots. As it turns out, lots could go wrong. So I got to Helsinki came and I walked into Helsinki airport with a trail of blood behind me because I have managed to wear for this trip radically unsuitable shoes, which is not unusual for me to be completely honest. So I'm like, genuinely walking across this pale grey tiled floor with like these droplets of blood falling behind me, which is absolutely the look one wants to sport when arriving on foreign soil. I went to the bag reclaim and I was there and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and my bag didn't come. And eventually it occurred to me that I was the only person well, no, it wasn't just me, it was me and the other chap that they moved to the slightly late flight. We were the only two. So I looked at him and he looked at me and we went on. And we went over and we went and spoke to the people at the desk and they said, Ah, your bag is not here. I said where is it? They said it's in London. I said good. Marvellous. Excellent. So it turned out karma. Basically, if I had perhaps pleaded slightly less, I wouldn't have been on the plane but it would at least have been with my bag which had been left in London because it thought it was going on a different flight. So I dutifully wandered out in a country where you need to be very clear, I speak not one single word of Finnish and hurray for the brilliant, far more intellectual and intelligent people of Finland and me who all are excellent and like slipped seamlessly into speaking English. I mean, it's it's very humbling and I'm sorry that I'm so utterly shipped with your language. So got cab to the hotel and then I got there and I'd really missed my early meeting and I said to them, I've got no clothes. I've been sleep I'd like dribbled down my face on the play I need to go somewhere I can buy like clothes and toothbrush so they pointed me across to what looked like a shopping mall. Now I'm not known for my sense of direction am I and thus it was to prove devastate so I started wandering over to where I thought the shopping mall was and I was like, and it was boiling hot day it was middle of the summer so it was like 2627 degrees and I'm sweaty and hot and I really want to get changed. I really want to brush my teeth. And I'm walking along and I'm like gosh, the roads in Finland are very busy.

21:56  
Yes Kathryn yes the roads in Finland are very fucking busy if you are trying to walk along the side or fucking dual carriageway you try to you try you try basically walked up the slip road. What a dick. retrace my steps finally made it to the shopping mall finally made it back to the hotel still no bags on the back. The hotel staff could not have been lovely. I will let you know they said as soon as it arrives. So I went out to meet the people that was over there to me and we went out that evening and I got back about 11 o'clock went to the front desk is my bag there. No, but we'll let you know as soon as it arrives. Fantastic. I said thank you so much. 3am 3am I'm fast asleep. There's a knock on my door. Hello, God what's going on? It's a hotel. It's the laser hotel there. She looked delighted. She looks radiant. I'm so glad to be able to tell you she said your bag has finally arrived and you've picked now to tell me about it. And I know that's not very nice to me. She was only doing her job and she was very happy that my bag was there. And so as I but Fucking hell 3am I'm not at my best at 3am Not even slightly. So yeah, so she gave me she gave me my bag. And then I finished my work because it's the next day and then got back on a plane to go back which was notable because it was a quite a bumpy journey. I'm not good in planes of any sort, let alone bumpy planes. And be because there was a man on that bumpy journey who I felt terribly sorry for because he was clearly extremely troubled that he was so sick that he managed to use up all of the sick bags on what was clearly a very poorly equipped plane. So the air stewardess was like running gags anybody got bags in your bag? Yes, it's I've got a fucking bag. I hope you put it in fucking hold and now he can not throw up at it. Oh, it was a debacle. It was a debacle of a trip. But Finland is beautiful. Helsinki is beautiful. I would love to return. I hope that if I do it is a slightly less dramatic trips. And that one. So yeah, planes, planes. Me. So we'll see how that goes. It promises to be eventful, right, I don't do anything in a quite a demure manner not even slightly. The story of that lady actually coming into to pick me up in the middle of the night of my bag reminds me they are holiday. So I need to stop talking. I took years and years and years ago. We've got to stay overnight in a hotel with Mr. I need to stop talking to children who are very young at the time. So we've done what you know, you have to do when you've got young kids. I mean, you don't go out you can't be doing things we like right we're just gonna get to bed. So we had gone for a very, very early night. And I woke up in the middle of the night and the bedroom light had just been switched on and you know when you're like in a strange place and strange your turn, you're like what the fuck was going on? It's going down. So kind of like groggily set up in bed, Mr. Nanny stop talking set up next to me. The two kids were thankfully still fast asleep on the floor. And there was another couple at the end of our bed who clearly had a few drinks and were wearing you know, kind of like party wear and stuff, and they look bemused and we looked even more buoys and we kind of looked each other and then kind of he went, oh my god, I'm so sorry. That's the wrong room. And we're like, you know, don't worry about it. It's fine. It's not your fault. We're back to sleep having double at the door thinking okay, good excellence is a very secure hotel with a keycard seem to work on everybody else's rooms. So the next morning we went down to go check out and we went over to reception. Obviously we wanted to make them aware that this had happened not to kick up a cause a big fast because it was an accident. And you know, I want to get people into trouble for no reason. And it was fine. And they've been polite about it. And it's all good. But we thought, well, we better make them aware. And I wasn't expecting my room refunded, I wasn't expecting a load of conversation. I was just expecting someone say, oh my goodness, I'm so sorry, that shouldn't have happened. That was all I was looking for. So we went out to the desk as a lovely chap there. But you know, English was not his first language. I was making sure that I was really clear in terms of sort of the feedback that I was giving. I said, explain the situation I said, so yeah, so in the middle of the night, these two people came in, came to my room, they were able to access our room and he looked at me from it, like he was like, processing it. He went, that's fine. Don't worry about it. And I kind of thought I'd misheard and as I as I tried to get because again, I was really conscious English not his first language. So I explained the situation again, he loves me anyway. Honestly, it's absolutely fine. Don't worry about it. So then there was another girl that I kind of called her over and I said just explain to your colleague told her again what happened. She looked at me she said, Yeah, that's fine. Honestly, don't worry about it. And I was like, Oh my God, I feel like I'm speaking foreign language. I don't know how to get the sweetie. I'm not worried. But I feel like you should be that just your guests can randomly come in and out of one another's rooms without so much as a by your leave. But yeah, in the end, I just gave up the egg. So just like honestly, it's absolutely fine. Don't worry about it. I am not worried but I think you should be so yeah, it promises it promises to be to be eventful. Things aren't things are never smooth. Things are never never straightforward. But um, yeah, that's, that's gonna be this week. That's what we have to do. But I hope you're all keeping safe and well and warm and dry and out of the storm. hope nobody's been inflicted with any shock. Nader's I hope if you did enjoy love sausage, it was fucking delicious. And I will see you all next week. Lots of love. Take care. Bye bye