The big mice are coming!

In which I update you all on my writing plans; I explain why you didn't get a podcast last week; Beth has a difficult day; I contemplate taking on an Easter egg challenge; Jamie has a big week; we have a family reunion; I reminisce on the madness of life growing up in a small village; and the big mice invade!

Transcript

Hello, this is Kathryn at I know I need to stop talking. Hello, lovelies, how are we doing? It's been two weeks, it's been a fortnight I've missed you all. I hope everybody's doing okay. It's lovely and sunny, which is really nice. I've had the week off, I've had the week off work, which is quite unusual for me to take a full week off. And actually, it's been really, really nice to just do some stuff just that you just don't get time to do with the pace of life. And I don't know about anybody else. But I am still definitely feeling that like post lockdown adjustments like oh my goodness, there's more than one activity in one day, this is too much too much. actually done some writing and lots of you've been so lovely to ask about what I'm doing in terms of next books and stuff? And the honest answer is, I've just been a bit shit. That sounds a bit better probably being said than me just writing on my on my blog, I'm just being a bit shit. But that is that is the answer. And there's no other good reason. I have been working on a few things writing wise. And I'm doing that classic thing, which is the complete opposite of being a Completer, finisher, and starting on those different things and then wondering why none of them are finished. So I have actually genuinely made some really good progress as we have written 25,000 words, 25,000 words, I'm quite proud of that. So I hope possibly, I might actually get some momentum behind this and actually actually do something with it all, you know, it might all fizzle out and fail miserably. But I have very good intentions. But life is just life is very busy. And I'm very grateful for how busy life is. But it does mean that I don't always get a chance to do all of the things that I want to do. 

I did do I actually did record a podcast last week, which I haven't published because I listened back to it. I just sounded like a bit of a one car I'm not. I tried to do a podcast, which is the kind of podcasts that I would have quite liked to have listened to when I was trying to get published and what the publishing process was like and everything. But no matter how much I tried not to I just ended up sounding like a total cock really. And that was definitely not my intention. So I don't know. I mean, I also don't know whether how to get published is of any interest to anybody whatsoever, or whether I should just like sit on that because I don't want you all to me sound like a total like many of you are probably thinking that you're sounding like a wink right now, which is fair and valid. And I come up to speed this so anyway, if you would like to hear my shit wankery blog out post about writing then then then let me know and maybe I'll publish it as an aside and talking about words that are not words, but are words such as wankery. I'm just going to put this out here: goady.  Goady is a word. Am I right? I'm gonna hope it is because I've been calling people goady fuckers for years. And yeah, it turned out when I was playing Scrabble with my mom and Australia, I need to stop talking this week and I put down the word goady so confident I didn't even bother to check it in my mom's massive Scrabble dictionary. Course it's a word. No turns out it's not as you know, Urban Dictionary. It's not actually a word. I think it's a word does anybody else think go does a word can we do we start a petition they bring in new words every year, don't they? Can we start a petition for them to bring in bringing goady I feel Yeah, I feel really, really aggravated by goady not being a word but but but there we go. 

But yeah, we had a lovely week off. I mean, it started it started conservatively. We sat sat down for dinner. A better to me. She said it's been a real day and Mr. I know I need to stop talking. So I was you know what's the matter, Beth, you were holiday from school, but otherwise it was been a real day. She sat there looking looking very solemn. And she she sat there she looked at us all the three of us myself, Mr. No need to stop talking. And Jamie she said I just had such a disappointing yoghurt. And while part of me laughed another part of me thought I know exactly what you mean, because I have had many disappointing yoghurts in my time. Actually, I noted with interest this week they're taking the use by dates of yoghurts aren't my which God loves my mum. I feel like this is a this is a landmark moment for my mum, this is this is a victory for for my mom, probably mother's mother's the country, maybe the world over because I distinctly remember when I was when I was growing up, we'd always have yoghurts in the house, if you're angry, you could snack any yoghurt. And when I say that us by dates were kind of more of a more of a guideline than a rule to live by. I mean, I think even that is probably probably pushing it a bit strongly. I'd go and get your get out and I'd be like so two months out day and my mom's standard response and I did to my kids now my mum standard response would be it'd be fine. was two months update and the standard response would be open it if it's fizzy or it's got mould on it, don't eat Otherwise, it'll be fine and clearly to be fair to my mum, clearly she was right and now food manufacturers are taken up on this and several supermarkets are removing their use by dates from yoghurt So you heard it here first. My mum was my mum was almost certainly right. But yeah, I do. I do hear Beth on the on the disappointing yoghurt front. It's the way she looks so so very solemn when she said it's a very solemn, very disappointing. 

It was hopefully made up for though by the fact that it has been Easter love Easter. I swear if they sold easter eggs all year round. I would weigh about 30 Stone I'm not even exaggerating. What is it about Easter eggs and chocolate in the shape of easter eggs which just tastes so much better? Doesn't it's so much better. I don't know how why it's the same chocolate it's just egg shaped rather than block shaped but it tastes so much better, and I probably could. I haven't tried this on the grounds of public decency, but I reckon I could probably consume a Cadbury's easter eggs. Those are my favourite Cadbury's are my favourite easter eggs will not accept when I say in theory are probably much more expensive chocolate but it's inferior to Capris in my humble, humble opinion, this podcast is not sponsored by Cadbury's. I just really fucking love a caprese easter egg. Yeah, I reckon that I could probably get a whole Cadbury's easter egg into my mouth in the manner of an anaconda. And maybe tonight I'll try that or you know, maybe not because I still like to keep some sense of like Mystique in the marriage. And I think that that might go out the window of mystery I need to start talking turns around, and his wife's got an entire Cadbury's easter egg stuck in her mouth because that would probably happen when it probably happens me it would get stalked or dislocate my jaw and I'd have to go to hospital they'd be like, Oh, have you done this? Put an entire easter egg in my mouth and tried to conceive a whole what pardon? I put an entire Easter I never mind we have to talk about this, that that would happen to me. Okay, so I won't I won't do that. I remember the time a few years ago, I made the absolute deck decision what a deck to give up sweeteners and refined sugar for Lent. And, you know, I'm a good church guy and girl I know Lent and I know how long Lent is but what I underestimated when it comes to the length of Lent is when you think of you know sort of lending 40 days and 40 Nights, then your weekends as well because lent doesn't count weekends which in theory means you can take weekends off but that kind of feels like feels like cheating. So I did a very long period of time with no sugar and no sweeteners and it's very hard because they're in fucking everything and they're particularly in everything that's fucking nice try and find a disappointing yoghurt without sugars or sweeteners and you won't it's very hard it was a very very long, long period of length but then it got to Easter day and I bought myself an Easter egg because I'm a firm believer if you want something don't wait for somebody else to buy it and then disappointed when you don't get it by yourself. I really wanted that year one of those massive dime easter eggs the ones which have got like little bits of dime in the chocolate or they're really good I couldn't find one this year probably because because of sold out but I really wanted one of those so I bought one we were going to stay at my mom's Easter I actually know where to lie. Took my easter egg to bed with me on the night of Easter Eve Why is it not called Easter Eve? You have Christmas Eve don't you? You should have Easter Eve that's disappointing. Okay, so anyway, history let's make it a thing. Along with GoDaddy. I took my time easter egg to bed with me and so when I woke up in the in the morning on Easter Easter day joyous day of joy and happiness and it was me because I opened my eyes and the first thing I laid my eyes on was my damn easter egg and within about an hour second half of that had disappeared down my gullet. And it was the best fucking Easter breakfast ever. Yeah, never give up sugar and sweeteners for for Lent. Lent is linters long letters letters very long. 

And then my children might be 11 and 14 now but never too old for an Easter egg hunt. I firmly believe that because I think if someone offered me an Easter egg hunt I would almost certainly say yes. And so we carried out a family tradition which is I go and hide a load of little easter eggs in the back garden and they have to go and find them and I forget how many I've hidden or indeed where I've put them and so they spend hours fruitlessly searching for one that possibly I've never hidden there in the first place or alternatively is never found and then at some point kind of as we go into like winter one of the kids that come running in from the back garden go I found a nice stroke so you know that's like that's a magical surprise that keeps giving you the note just just keeps on coming so yeah is our little family traditions to find slightly mouldy eggs from from the year before but you know that's that's that's frugality for you. It's just you know, it's just just the way things way things work. 

Big week for Jamie this week very excited so it's a big week for Jamie. I don't think Jamie feels like it's a big week for him whatsoever but I am so I am I feel like a family destiny in life. So obviously Beth plays football and does loads of football. And I love football and I love to watch Beth play football. But I am not what one would say a classic football mom and you really only need to look at the outfits that I'm wearing when I'm standing on the sidelines freezing my tits off in heels and a fur coat that gives no protection from the weather whatsoever. So I love football but I wouldn't say that I am naturally a football mom. But Jamie. Oh Jamie Jamie has completely found found my niche even if it's not his his nice shape so let me explain it a bit. So we've done football and Jamie has diligently done sweet fuck off for a very very long time now on the grounds that he's really fucking happy sitting in his room with his pants on playing on his computer and chat and his mates and he's like why would I want to join any clubs mum I'm living my best life and I can I can see that and I kind of admire that but I'm also a doer so I'm also you know kind of Come on Jamie you could do something anyway. Turning Point came last year when Mr. IKINTST discovered that Jamie's mates had all joined our local theatre company. Now I was an actor and Mr. I know I need to stop talking as an actor so you can say there's a certain amount of inevitability that we would positively force Jamie into the acting route you will directing, you will enjoy it. So we kind of turned around to him like lit Free within a nanosecond when when Jamie's mates mum had announced that the he joined the join the theatre company. We were literally on that crew to sign you up. Jamie was like, Well, I've done what I want to do this and I was like, Sure, you'll love it. I don't think I will love it. You'll love it. You'll love it. It'll be brilliant. Anyway, it's very popular our local theatre company so it has a waiting list. So rightly so we waited we went to see the productions. But anyway, this week, we got the call Jamie's in and I swear it was like definitely remember back to the early noughties and pop stars when they used to have the contestants homes round where basically, the judges would phone and announce whether you'd made it into the band or
not. It felt like I don't know if this is what this theatre company was going for. It genuinely felt like that. We got the call, Mr. Oh, no need to stop talking. I was like, shall I answer this? I don't know this number. It's a local number as a dancer, it could be the theatre company. It was the theatre company. They were like Jamie's got place for you like yes, we were celebrating that we get to call Jamie, Jamie you've got a place and he was like, Oh, God, why is that because you're going to love it. And the best bit the thing I'm most excited about and Jamie's least excited about is all of these groups are only ever run by volunteers. And of course they're asking for parents to volunteer. I mean, don't need to fucking ask me I'm chomping at the bit Jamie says no, I think that's very mean. And like I won't be embarrassing these like you will be embarrassing. You're wearing a t shirt with my face on it and a sign that says I am Jamie's mum. I probably would do probably would do that. So yeah, we're in negotiations as to what part of his theatre company I might be allowed to volunteer for. I'm not I could come on stage and sing a song and he's got his head in his hands going. I'll leave I'll just leave. So I'm delighted Jamie is considerably less delighted but Well, we'll see how see how it all works out. If I'm weighing managed to wangle my way on stage I reckon. I reckon I completely can poor Jamie pour Jamie he's he's such a good boy and he's stuck with a start with a mom like me. 

He's had a nice day today the kids are both had a had a lovely afternoon today. Our local gym is does this initiative and I don't know maybe gyms do this everywhere. I've never been a gym goer so I don't know but I've always stayed well clear of gyms a because they are full of sweaty people. That's very judgmental of me, isn't it but but it's a fact they're full of sweaty people. And I just rather go for a nice walk in the sunshine. But also because everything I've ever heard about gyms is that they're really really really fucking expensive. And I've got no desire to pay a load of money to go and be in a room full of sweaty people when I can go for a walk in the sunshine and have a lovely time. So I've never been to the gym but Jamie got quite keen to try the gym. And then Beth was straight on that bandwagon because obviously it's anything that's that's vaguely athletic and she's like yeah, I'd like to join the gym. So I dutifully to add and our local gym does this brilliant thing where they run dedicated teen sessions for kids aged 10 to 15 you have to turn up booking for an induction but then you can just book into the sessions as I say that they're two pounds 50 ago so there's no crazy membership fees. And yeah, you can just go along and have an hour using the machines and it's all supervised and it's fantastic so I took them on this afternoon lovely staff lovely guy overseeing them sort of shut them up I went off my walk and then came back early because I thought it'd be knackered after an hour thinking I would be fucking knackered after an hour if I'd be knackered after about 30 seconds and they were like No Can we stay a bit longer we want to stay for the full full times up So bravo to my local gym and any other gyms in the country running that kind of initiative. I think that's so so good for kids like it's so important for all of us to exercise regularly and in a gym going is not my thing but we all find our will find what works for us right so yeah the fact that bet bet came back and was stood in front of my full length mirror, basically flexing our biceps and going have I got muscles Yeah, I'm like yes, you're scaring me please please stop. 

Anyway the other big event from the weekend cuz I was off it's I went up to see my mum up in the little village where she still lives where where I grew up. Not only did I see my mom, I got to see my godmother, my mom's best friend my godmother who I haven't seen for years and you know how there are just some people in your life who are a fucking brilliant and be you can not see them for months and months and years and years. And then you're back together and it's like no time at all has passed. That's completely how it was and oh, it was so good to see you Jada and miss you lots I love you lots. It was so so lovely. So lovely. 

But going back to my mom's house, there's something about going back to your childhood home isn't it there's there's a song by by Frank Turner called Wessex boy, which completely perfectly sums up how I feel about like in my head. Even though I've lived where I live now for for years and years longer than I've lived in in my childhood village. Where I grew up, grew up will always be home. I will always think of that as home. I don't know why it's that that's always home to me. And the little village where little village where I grew up. I mean, it's almost impossible to describe unless you've lived in a little village so it has maybe 2000 population about 2000 Something like that. Unless you've grown up in a little village like that it's impossible to describe how brilliantly fucking mad it is. And to be fair and growing up there as a teenager I did not always appreciate the brilliant fucking madness of it, ie the fact that somebody would like literally be reporting back to your parents that they'd seen you misbehaving in the bus shelter on great green the night before. A true story that absolutely happened. So I don't think I appreciated it at the time but looking back, like, everything was just mad and it completely fulfilled all of those stereotypes about villages that you kind of like see in sitcoms and things like that. That is the village where I grew up literally that is the village where I grew up mad match. It happened all the fucking time. 

One of my favourite memories, despite how utterly inappropriate was was was one morning on Saturday morning, my dad and I walked up to the village shop to go and get the papers. As we walked up the high streets these like just a standard Saturday mornings, a quiet Saturday morning was a sunny day, down the high street came this troupe of Morris dancers, Morris men, they all blacked up I don't know why the fuck why but they had all blacked up. They all had their merry Morris bells jingling around their ankles and they were all just dancing down the high street and they kind of like this merry Morris dancing thing and waved and went off in their somewhat racist blackface Morris dancing way. It was absolutely batshit I have no idea why or how that happened. But that's the kind of stuff that did just happen regularly. There were rumours, rumours the rumour mill was and remains absolutely fucking rife. But my dad and I decided once that we would test this out, so we made up a rumour, we made up a rumour. And my dad went to the local pub on Friday night, which is absolutely the kind of pub where to this day, if you go into all of the local pubs, and you're not a local heads will swivel to stare at you. And if they don't know you, they will all go back to conversations about who that person is. Every every fucking time. It's fucking brilliant. So I'd like to have a local pub basically said this room, it's the group of mates that he was with no word of a lie. By the next morning, when he went to the village shop to get the papers he had that rumour repeated back to him over the counter, I fucking love the village I grew up and it's just our it's just, it's just wonderful. It is just absolutely batshit just mental stuff that you look back and go that was mental, but that time seemed totally normal. We had a we had a Village Theatre Group, and which I was very actively involved in. And they did a production of Calamity Jane, which was just brilliant. And I was lucky enough to be cast in the lead or 16 years old. And I was like this is this is this is just amazing. Honestly, it was some of the happiest months of my life. It was amazing. But because it was a small village, and you only had a very limited number of potential cast members to choose from. It ended up that myself and the girl playing the other leading lady who was also 16 ended up playing opposite to 40 Somethings, both of whom were mates with my dad. And we ended up snogging them on stage. And and that was entirely normal. I didn't even bat an eyelid. I was like, Yeah, standard course, because we're snogging people who are old enough to be our fathers, in fact, to hang out with our fathers. With hindsight, it was very messed up at the time. It was no weird than anything else that happened in a typical week in the village. But honestly, I look back on it all with was such fond memories. And even now like you just you go up and you walk around the village, and someone will come up to you every time and be like, Hi, have you been often you have no fucking clue who these people are. And you have to try and piece it together as they go. Yeah, I saw your mom and I spoke to your dad. I did this and you kind of like putting join the dots and working out who this person is. But oh, I wouldn't change it. And I do genuinely I do genuinely miss it now that I'm not a teenager getting up trouble in the bus shelter on great, great green. All right, it was me I confess, I confess, but yeah, best, best and most batshit memories ever it is. It is like no, no place, no place on Earth. 

Meanwhile, my dad was having a very exciting Easter. He walks up to me this week with a video. And he said, Look what I've caught. I've got a big mouse. And I looked at the video. And he had one of those humane mouse traps that you can get one of those cage type things. And in it there is indeed a very big mouse running around it or what most of us might know, as a rat. I replied to him when I don't know how to tell him I think maybe your big mouse might be a rat to fucking rat. It's a fucking rat. You've caught a fucking rats not a big mouse. Anyway, you'll be pleased to know he's caught a further two big mice. Since since the first big mouse. Maybe we should all just start referring to rats as big mice. I feel like the pied piper would have taken on much of a Dr. Doolittle tone. instead of chasing rabbits. We just had this lovely, happy clappy crowd of big mice. Anyway, if anybody wants a big mouse, you'll know where to find them. They're all in my in my dad's garden. He's probably singing to them as we as we speak. Yeah, big mice, fuck's sake.

I'm off to spend my Saturday evening helping Beth do some more practice work for her SATs. I won't repeat my SATs run because you've probably seen it on the Facebook page this morning. And if you haven't, it's up there for all to see. I am very, very cross about the fact that our government thinks that our children should have to do SATs. And I know a few people have pointed out that you know if you feel strongly about it, you should take your kids out of SATs and yes, I could do that. But I think that underestimates how much that's not fair on the kids to be putting up position where they're being treated differently to everybody else. Sats are just fucking bullshit I'm sorry they are absolute bullshit, that they're because it's the most laziest way to assess primary schools which don't even need this pointless forced ranking and grading is all fucking government absolute bullshit. And frankly, I'm going to bet right now that most of the ladies and gentlemen of our government were they to sit down with a English SATs paper and be required to identify a fronted adverbial or a subordinating conjunction would have no fucking clue right and nor should they and nor should our kids, nor should our kids. It's just so sit and watch Beth and Beth school are brilliant and amazing support from the SATs, but they shouldn't have to be because I've watched Beth and just like the love of learning is just absolutely such she just wants to leave school she's just done. I mean possibly know best she just wants to leave school forever. She's not even thinking about secondary school. She's like, I'm done. I'm done now. But joking aside, it's so fucking sad and so fucking wrong and so fucking avoidable. And yet anyway, rant rant rant rave, rave rave, but it's something I feel very strongly about. So if you haven't any feel as strong as I do, please do go and have a read the post please share it far and wide. I'd love to think it would reach and be read by the people it's intended for I'm holding out zero hope on that even slightly but hey, we we live in hope right? We live in hope and fronted adverbials for Fox a fucking fronted adverbials I'm straight A student I've written two books not a fucking clue would not know fronted adverbial if it turned up and punched me in the face, I probably inadvertently used about three there just to show how little commando have off fronted adverbials. Anyway, I hope you're all well. I hope you're all staying safe. Look after yourselves. Watch out for the big mice. I will see you all next week. Take care lots of love. Bye bye