The World's Worst Podcaster

In which it's apparently very hot; I am the world's worst podcaster; I share one of Mr IKINTST's most excellent comedy moments; Jamie makes a startling prediction; we receive surprising news; I try and fail completely to cope emotionally with the end of Beth's primary school journey; Beth smashes Sports Day; and I have an awful lot of fun with scaffolding. Oh, and I make a huge great colossal error towards the end of the podcast which I couldn't quite manage to edit out, so have fun spotting that one. I like to think it adds to the world's worst podcaster vibe....... :-)

Transcript

Hello this is Kathryn at I know I need to stop talking, hello my lovelies. It's been forever I'm like the world's worst podcaster on so many different levels. I don't just underachieve on the one level in terms of like not recording regular podcasts, I'm sure on practically every single front I you know, not in a proper recording studio. I'm sitting in my kitchen, I've usually got Ocado rocking up halfway through, I've got various household appliances misbehaving themselves. I've got cats rocking up halfway through, but hopefully that's that's why you come here is for something that is very, very much whatever the opposite of a professional podcast is supposed to be. I think I've can feel confident that this is almost certainly certainly that certainly it and how are you? And how have you been? It's been such a long time. But and I think I said this in one of my previous podcasts when I started doing the podcast, you know, we're in we're in lockdown. And it was really fucking easy to commit to a recording podcast once a week because let's be honest, what else was in my social calendar? Fuck all. That's the answer, fuck all. But then suddenly, life has just come back into the way which is wonderful and glorious and the most best thing ever. But I do genuinely really miss sitting down and recording these. I think I've concluded that I think if it was just a case of sitting down and chatting about random shit once a week, that'd be easy to commit to. But you can't just do that. Then of course you have to go through and you have to like edit it and take out anything where you've like I don't know inadvertently belched into the microphone. Goodness me. Yes, that is that is how glamorous This podcast is. And so I feel like not editing it would probably put you all off you're dinners, lunches and breakfasts. Do you call it dinner? Or tea or supper? That's a that's a real divisive thing, isn't it dinner or tea or supper? We always called it tea in my house. I the evening meals we take lunch? Yeah, middle of meals, always lunch when I was growing up. And evening meal was always tea. And now I think I call every every meal dinner. Just like be on the safe side. Even breakfast. We didn't really do breakfast in our house, which I know is a bit of a controversial thing. My friend Vee had her children round one morning this week because I was taking them to school. And then I suddenly realised like because I was like feeling quite competent. Like yeah, of course I'm probably gonna have children take them to school and look at me I'm totally on top of this parenting then suddenly when fuck we got fuck all for breakfast. Unless they want either cat food or raw eggs. I mean, obviously I would have cooked the eggs while though not quite that bad parents. Why have I got into breakfast? Oh, yes, meals meals of the day. So yeah, pretty much every meal is is dinner now. Which is perhaps controversial or not? I don't know. Goodness me. Yeah, it's a minefield, it's a minefield these things. But I have genuinely, genuinely mission, goodness, so many different things. So many things have happened, which is lovely. Isn't it wonderful that we're back to a stage in life where stuff can happen again? And to be really clear, no, I'm not doing the moronic government line of COVID, it's not a thing anymore. It definitely is a thing. We should also be taking care of ourselves and the people that we love and people that we don't know around us. But just being able to do some of those brilliant, lovely things has been genuinely genuine, amazing. More on which shortly, I don't know if anybody's mentioned that it's hard to let anybody mentioned the temperature to you actually, probably a better question would be if you're like one of the few people out there who's not had anybody mentioned the temperature to you. Congratulations. And please come and talk to us all. So we can all learn from whatever skills you have. But yeah, it's actually it's not even hot yet. But I don't know about anybody else. The media seem intent on whipping us up to an absolute fucking frenzy over this heatwave. And I know, I absolutely know that, you know, high levels, high temperatures can be very, very dangerous. We should all be really careful, although I really liked if anybody has been on the BBC News website today. There's a great headline, which says something, something along the lines of in order to avoid dying in the heat, people should stay safe. I mean, that is great advice, right? In order to avoid being in danger. We should all stay safe. In order to avoid getting ill we should all stay well, I mean, God if it was only that, that's simply not the logic. So yeah, if you want advice for the heatwave, according to the BBC, in order to you ensure that you're not in danger during the heatwave, stay safe. Good, excellent, good, good, solid, solid advice. But yeah, because of this media frenzy, it's not actually that hot yet. But the frenzy is such that I feel like every time you know, I'm very easily susceptible. So like, every time I step outside the front door, I'm expecting to collapse in a pool of my own sweat, which to be fair. Now unfortunately, it's it's entirely plausible that could happen even on the chilliest days. But the heat the heat is coming, and we can tell the heat waves coming in because people have started to reference the summer of 1976 in earnest. I was not born in the summer of 1976. But fuck me, I felt like I fucking lived through it. And I'm sure that anybody who didn't throw that somewhere it does indeed sound very, very hot. Sounds like there were a lot of ladybirds, which is weird. I don't know why that would be. But maybe these these next few hot days, maybe we're gonna we're going to get some ladybirds. Of course if you're anywhere in the north of England, you're probably laughing your heads off or simultaneously feeling very pissed off about any of us kind of like south of Hadrian's Wall on the basis that probably it's still quite grey and drizzling and and you probably still need a Mac. When he got a Mac to Mac still exist, the Mac's exist. They're just one of my favourite favourite stories from when Beth was very little. And as I think I said beforehand, myself and Mr I Know need stop talking both both have spent a period of time in our life being actors. And when Beth was very little, Mr I know I need to stop talking to her. Oh, we should we should get Beth a Mac. I would walk. She was like a baby when Yeah, we should get her a Mac because then she'd put on a Mac and she'd be Mac Beth Mac Beth. And we were really sleep deprived and I laugh fucking age. Joke. And it still makes me smile now. Macbeth, Macbeth. Yeah, good. Good. Yeah, you can tell he's a comedy, comedy, comedy genius. But yes, references to the summer 1976 have started being made. Fans are, I think probably exceeding the price per gramme of pure gold. Now I went onto Amazon the other day not to buy fan. I have a fan. I have a fan. I have a couple of ceiling fans, and I'm very grateful that I went to have a look. I can't remember why. Anyway, some fans came up. And I was like, fuck off. But no, and I know what you're gonna say to me here, which is that I shouldn't be buying from Amazon because they're evil and they almost certainly aren't. I say that. I don't really know very much about Amazon, but it clearly if you're supposed to pay taxes, pay your taxes. So Amazon if you're paying your taxes, pay your taxes, but it cannot be denied that when you're really fucking disorganised like me, having someone who will deliver same day stuff is very handy. So I do sometimes use Amazon I did go on and have a look at the price of fans and fuck me like you know, there's little shitty handheld fans, the really little ones that hold in your hand with like little batteries. Which usually I'm gonna say oh, maybe three to five pounds. That'll be my guess three to five pounds for a little shitty handheld fan. Amazon this week. I'm not exaggerating. Go and have a look for yourself. 15 To 20 pounds fuck off. I fucking hate price surge in response to fucking demand. It's like just fucking very fucking wrong. And I am also predisposed to really dislike those little fans because of the story of slightly giving away the punchline here. When Beth was about three let's say we're in our old house and Mr I Know I need to stop talking I think was downstairs with a three story house. I think he was downstairs and I was right upstairs on the top floor. And the children So Beth would have been three gems would have been about six we're playing in the middle floor. And all of a sudden we can this we had the screen from Jamie. Amit only concretely concretely. I don't want my sister to die. We're like, oh my god, I'm gonna move so fast in my fucking life. We both ran the middle floor collided and Beth thankfully, pleasingly was not dying, but was holding one of those little handheld fans and the little floppy fan. Tony roundy things whatever the cord, one of those fan things are anyway, those things had got caught in her very long hair. And yes, the fan was tangled in her hair, no fear of death, although she listened to that BBC advice. Avoid being at risk of danger. Stay safe. I'm gonna use that with everybody this week to stay safe. So what does anybody want to do in the middle of a heatwave? Obviously, you want to spend it standing spending the entire day standing on a football pitch. And of course that's what we're doing this weekend because Beth has not one but two football tournaments in quick succession. And fucking out I mean fairplay to her it's good job that they all like football these kids because the thought of doing anything more energetic than walking to the fridge to fill up my glass of water is frankly a little bit a little bit too much. So she had one football tournament today Jamie and his girlfriend gallantly came along for I'm gonna say the first 30 minutes of what turned out to be a most of the day tournaments and Jay was like y'all come and watch and you know my girlfriend and I and football but she you know, she likes best she'll come and watch. Yeah, they stuck it out for two games. And before you're thinking two games, that's pretty good. In football tournaments. These games are typically about eight to 10 minutes in length. So yeah, I'm not entirely convinced that they are the the two greatest football pundits of their time. But yeah, well done, Jamie for turning up. And I'd love to say that Beth's team played amazingly and triumph despite the heat conditions, but they were fucking awful. Really. I mean, they were really genuinely quite dreadful. And obviously the whole thing is supposed to be about fun and enjoyment but you know kids is really hot put some fucking effort into it at least make make all of us grown up standing there on the side sweating because I do think kids kids don't seem to feel the heat in the same way do they? I can remember like, as a small child running around like a lunatic while my parents like spied on, I was gonna say the sidelines pretending that I was in any way kind of an athletic child whatsoever. I think I once might have had to play an orchestra concert in slightly inclement weather conditions. So they put some fans on us. And that was probably the closest I got to physical exertion during during a heatwave. But um, but yeah, so we're off to yet another football tournament tomorrow. But of course, the timing is timing is optimal, right? Because if you haven't been watching it, even if you're not a football fan, get the euros on and buy the Euros, I mean, the women's euros and this is a bugbear of mine right now. And I'm just gonna go around, I keep wanting to have this rant on the Facebook page. And I know because this happens every time I rant on there, because the size of the audience there will just be I'm gonna say men, and it will be men because it always has been men every time I've had this argument and 99% of all the men who follow the page of responsibility are lovely and brilliant. And then there's this just a 1% who when I make what I think is perfectly reasonable comment. So there's been some really great reporting on the women's year as the summit has been really brilliant. And actually, the BBC has probably led the way on that. They'd be really, really good. All the games have been shown on BBC One, BBC Two, so yeah, bravo, BBC, you've done a really good job. And they're referring on their website. And in the when they're talking about it as the women's heroes, which I'm absolutely fine with, because, you know, it's the women's football team playing in the Euros. But if we get to November time, and they refer to the men's World Cup, which is taking place in November, December as just the World Cup, I will lose my fucking shit. Because you do need to differentiate between the two tournaments. But then it's men's, and women's, or men's and bison or women and flamingos but to have women's something and then just the World Cup on his the Women's World Cup. Now, you're probably listening to this thinking, Kathryn, you are being unreasonable about something that really doesn't matter. And I'm like, part of me thinks you're you're correct. And part of me thinks no, no, this is this is how how it all starts. So yeah. Anyway, I don't even know where I was going with that other than feeling briefly annoyed about potential inequality that hasn't even happened yet. Yes, good. Excellent. It's a good place to use your energy and your anger Kathryn is to get annoyed about something that hasn't even happened yet. Bravo. But the euros have been genuinely amazing. And I'd say even if you're not a football fan, put it on. It's not let's be honest as fuck all else on TV, which bit of the year it is, and we were lucky enough as a family to get tickets to go and watch the what turned out to be, I would say arguably the greatest game of the tournament so far, obviously, I didn't fucking know that when I bought the tickets about a year ago, I took a chance there were two games that we could have probably geographically got to, and I picked the one on the Monday night because I thought we were less likely to be doing something on the Monday than we were on the on the Friday night. And I don't think I could pick my seats. I think I was automatically allocated seats and I spent like, seats behind the goals, not my favourite place to sit. But again, one of the things that women's football get so right is they make it accessible for everybody. So children's tickets was seven pounds 50 Each a minor misdemeanour and it stopped talking with 15 pounds each as opposed to if I go into the England men's play, we're probably have had to like sell my cell my car. So really reasonably priced tickets. And we got to the stadium which is the MX Stadium in Brighton, which is such a lovely stadium, we've not been there before. And you realise immediately that she is so well designed that wherever you sit, you're gonna have this amazing view of the pitch. And we just got really, really fucking lucky and we were sat behind the goal, which in the first half had 6 different goals fired into it and the atmosphere was unreal. I've watched a lot of football in my lifetime and I'm not sure I can remember just a more joyous footballing occasion and again it's something that the women's game gets so right right there was no aggression there was no drunkenness there was no bottles being thrown or racist chants taking place like everybody was so supported the players at the knee and the stadium erupted in support for them. It was just amazing. And the most amazing thing of all was how pissed off Beth was and you're probably thinking what the fuck why was Beth pissed off? Well in the car on the way there as we always do before the beginning of the games we just score prediction we okay what do we think the score is going to be? So we started only stop talking about both predicted the same score they thought was gonna be to one to England and knowing nowhere really good team. I'm like, yeah, no, that's that's that's plausible to say as close as I can get to be a bit more optimistic. I'm gonna go three now three nil to England darkening the window three nil to England. And they're like, Okay, Jamie was in the back texting his girlfriend not really listening or concentrating what was going on? And so he said, Jamie, what's your what's your score prediction? And once we kind of like roused him from his stupor, he was like, Oh, I don't know. Eight nil to England. And better what anyway? Yeah, yeah, eight nil to England. Nothing's obviously he knew they weren't gonna beat Norway eight now. And Beth in an immortal line when I'll tell you what Jamie, if England actually beat Norway, eight nil spot on eight. Now, I will give you 10 paths. So it was something deeply joyous to watch Beth go from initial euphoria to a oh my god, it's full now five, six now that they can't score anymore set seven nil. And then we left the stadium slightly early to go and walk to our cars. It was a Monday night so we left a little bit early. Of Sik seven nil. We're all good seven nil seven nil and it's usual walked out the stadium. We just had this cheer wrapped in a stadium on my phone flashed up today. They had indeed beat Norway eight nil. So Jamie came out and I said do you have a nice time? He said it was brilliant. I said I'm so glad you enjoyed it. He went No no, he went I made a profit. Yes. Yes you did. Yes you did. So yeah. Eight nil dreams can come true. What was it coming up to the end of the school year Jamie's actually finished he finished on on Friday finish year nine until I can remember being in year nine. That's scary, isn't it? And Jamie actually he'll kill me now he won't he won't mind me sharing this he's he's quite happy with me sharing random bits on on the blog and on here. He it's fair to say that Jamie is a very, very bright student who is also the by his score reports admission, one of the most popular kids in his year. And Jamie is popular because Jamie likes to dick around and play football and be the class clown. Basically, that's it that is raison d'etre at school, which gets a letter loads of friends and loads and loads of kudos, but also gives them loads and loads and loads of detentions. So it's fair to say that when it comes to like winning awards for model behaviour, Jamie has not entirely been up there. And I've told you before the immortal, immortal story of the school son has right home, they write letters, when when a child's done particularly well, I know this because Jamie's best friend, his mom and says, Oh, we have letter home, the headmaster didn't say how great he'd been doing at school, not brilliant. And a few weeks later, I too, got a letter from school, I could see the school logo on the front, I thought we could list Jamie's got one of these, this is fantastic. I opened it up to find it was an invoice for a toilet seat that Jamie had broken by standing on it. So that kind of sets the scene. But this term, this term, last couple of weeks, I had an email from the school to say that Jamie had, he was on a very, very small number of children who had been nominated to win this very special award that the school were doing this year, in honour of the Platinum Jubilee Year. And if I'm honest, and I have said this, Jamie, my first reaction was very well the wrong parent, but they hadn't. Jamie had actually won this award. And the two most joyous things about this was a how genuinely thrilled he was when he came like home and he said I you know, I've got this, you know, I've got this award and I got a mark and I got a badge and I was like it's amazing, sweetheart was I'm so proud of you. And I said to him, so what did you get this award for? And he looked at this award, he's got a certificate that says Jamie, you know, you've got this award. It's an award for excellence. I said, What did you get it for? And he looked absolutely baffled. He went, um, maybe I was excellent. Good. Good. That's, that's, that's my son. That's my boy. That's my boy. But yeah, we're very proud of him. He's, yeah, he is. He's a very good boy. And when he has not been invoiced for broken toilet seats, he can even get certificates and monks and badges as well. And Beth anymore, but still got four more, four more days of school left. And I honestly when I start even now just talking about Beth finishing school, I've now got tears in my eyes, because I can't believe she's coming to the end of her primary school journey. And I'm not sad, because I'm like, Oh, I wish we could do those years again, because I make no secret of the fact that I found life when my kids were really little really, really, really, really fucking hard. But Beth's school has just been the best. Honestly, it has just been I cannot fault that school in any any single way. I think I've said before, when when the children were when they were little, I was putting out school applications. And I was on maternity leave with Beth. And I went round because I was on maternity leave. I didn't know anything else to do my time I went and looked at 1414 one, four, yes, I know I had issues, different schools that the children could conceivably have gone to him. And I walked through the front door of the school that they're now both in and I literally, as soon as I sat in reception, I knew I knew I thought this is the school I want my kids to go to and I wrote to the headmistress at the end of this week, just basically thanking her for everything her staff have done over the years because you know, schools teachers get such a bad rap and 99% of the time in my personal opinion, it's completely unjustified. And I just there are no words as a parent to say how grateful you are how grateful I am for for all that time when you're not there parenting parenting your child because you're going out to work and quite rightly they're getting an education for the amazing love care support. cheering on enthusiasm just everything they've given us gets in the way they know me Beth and Jamie school as a small school it's a one form intake. And I swear every single teacher in that school knows my kids gets my kids you know Jamie has been so well supported from teachers right around the school. Beth has had opportunities both on and off the football pitch given to her by so many different members of staff like honestly it brings genuine tears to my eyes because if you're in teaching if you work as a teacher if you work as a teaching assistant if your site staff if your office staff I just really really want you to know absolutely heartfelt the difference you make to our kids is just there are no words in how many years was it seven years of primary school seven years private school there's never been a single day that my kids have not wanted to go to school and that is testimony to you know teachers that are doing a fantastic fantastic job so yeah it's a bit of motion because I am a bit emotional my kids are doing standing running joke that come Thursday I am going to be an absolute bits and I am I will be an absolute bits but for all all the best reasons right because these are just people who've made such an amazing impact on my kids like its lives. So we had bet spinal ever sports day and I've written a blog post about sports done I won't go over it in loads of detail but you know the kids got to get in my opinion they just get Sports Day spot on. I know that some schools have decided to do away with any bit of competition whatsoever in sports downlink kind of get it but I also think and I say this as someone who was absolutely fucking dreadful at sport Today I was quite good at all the academic subjects it did me quite a lot of good to go Do you know what something here's something that is really hard for you and that you're not necessarily going to do particularly well and that's alright it's okay not to be good and do well everything but the kids got I didn't get it spot on because while it is competitive the primary thing that you're competing for his points your houses you come first second or third but the primary thing is you compete for your houses and the kids love it. They're so into it. One of the things that always makes me cry on Sports Day is the way that house captains and vice captains win the Key Stage One do their races they will always go and run with the slowest child in that race and no child ever crosses that line alone and I just think that is God that that that is a metaphor for how I want my kids to be in life. And as I said on the blog, one of my proudest most unique clearly Beth absolutely fucking love sports today and she's you know, it's gonna say she's good at sports though she is good at some stuff in sports so she's fucking awful other stuff see her and an egg and spoon race dear God and us for skipping not her strands but she she'd done well in our in our running races. But my proudest moment was not her. You know, finishing one of the running races it was one a mate of hers was across the line and he was crying, cede his knee and he was worried that he'd get let his house down at his house down. And Beth and I were straight out and put an arm straight around aminos asked him what's going on. And he said, I'm worried that my house won't be proud of me and she won't. You've tried your best of course, they'll be proud of you. And that is the ethos and the attitude that the school teaches them and honestly, I just I just love it. I just love it. Absolutely. Yeah, it is brilliant. So yes, Portsdown huge success. Beth was exuberant and even better, because there were no parents raised so I didn't have to publicly humiliate myself so when or when all round, or when all round. So loads going on. And as if all of that wasn't enough. We're also having a lot converted at the moment, which I think I might have alluded to on the last podcast. Well, it's happening to me what I've got scaffolding, I fucking love my scaffold in. And obviously, this is you know you back to that BBC News. In order not to not to be in danger, you should stay safe and you should definitely if you want to stay safe. Definitely, definitely, definitely not be climbing up your own scaffolding, but I do I do it every night. I love it. It's so much fun going up there. Huge, great big ladder and then you can like you can touch your own roof and you're probably thinking Kathryn I've never wanted to touch my roof and all I can say to you is until you've touched a roof. How do you know how do you know? It's brilliant, say our bit up and down that up and down that that scaffolding and yeah, my builders looking at me slightly bemused. I'm like look at this you've built walls you've built a roof. They're like yes, that is our that is our that is our job. So yeah, so the the loft conversion is going great guns. I mean, I am worried about my builders on on Monday and Tuesday when they're going to be up there all hot, but maybe I'll go up to them and say to them, listen, in order not to be in danger in the heat. You need to stay safe. You stay safe. And it is that simple. Just stay safe and you won't be in danger. Boom. So yeah, heat heat is coming. Football is happening. Very exciting. Love conversion is in progress. Jamie's jam that's jam. The cats are fucking absolutely racing. Although Brexit the biggest moron of the three this week, has decided that the best place to sleep in the middle of a heatwave is in the middle of the really stuffy, really hot conservative. She is as stupid as her name. So yeah, trying to send him probably this week trying to keep the cats cool. And trying to keep myself cool. Why? I don't know. Well, I would say go and like point a load of fans at the underside of my boobs, but based on the current cost of fans. Yeah, I'll probably I don't know, I'll just stay safe. And then I won't be in danger. Because if you stay safe, you won't be in danger. Thank you, BBC. I hope you're all keeping safe and well and cool. And if you do enjoy the heat people, I hope you're enjoying the enjoying the heat. I'm going to spend the rest of my Saturday evening literally transferring my children from pillar to post because that's apparently my life calling these days I say, I'm definitely going to apply to Uber because I feel like Uber writing would be really high, although probably not smart kids would probably kick off at the fact that I did something as heinous as I don't know, try to make them have some kind of vague conversation with me as opposed to sit in obstreperous silence in the in the back of the car on their on the Uber trip. So I'm off to circulate and collect my children. But yeah, I hope you're doing well. I will try and be less shit with these podcasts. I almost certainly won't. But I thought the intention is definitely there. I was thinking like, maybe I should like switch to doing them once a month. And I was like, but that's a long time between podcasts. So I feel like I might need to, I don't know up my game and sort my shit out. But it is not gonna be any time in the next few days because I'm gonna be spending the entire time lying facedown on the floor with my head and a bag of frozen peas, ensuring that I stay safe and therefore I'm not in danger. It's a plan. It's a plan. Look after yourselves. Stay safe. Stay cool. I will speak to you soon. Lots of love. Bye bye